Dear son,

I just want you to know that you have always been valuable to me. You’re important, and I’ve encouraged you to speak to me with openness and honesty by asking open-ended questions about your heart—the way you think, feel, and hope to live—and then accepting your answers.

I’ve always told you that your emotions are valid and worthy of being spoken, especially if what you needed to share was a lesson I needed to learn. I accepted it, and I cherished it.

I don’t remember a time I silenced or chastised you for being honest with me—but if you do, then shame on me. I deserve the pain I feel now because of your silence.

I love you. I love your siblings too. I wanted to be present in your life as you were growing up—you are my children.

I didn’t want to emotionally hurt your dad the way he hurt me. I didn’t want a divorce.

I just wanted to be heard and valued by him.

I was broken—worn down by the bullying and disregard I experienced from his family. That’s not an excuse, but it is the truth.

I made a bad decision by not protecting my marriage vows. I was so emotionally beaten down that this other man’s interest in me felt like relief at the time. I carry the shame of my actions and always will. I should have taken steps to divorce your dad, rather than allowing myself to accept the happiness I suddenly felt—because someone finally seemed to care.

I begged your dad for reconciliation—for your sake—but we were both in deep pain. He was a good father, but he didn’t value me as a wife—before and especially after the affair.

I didn’t know what the right decision was when it came to remarriage. I wrestled with it through depression, remorse, and turmoil.

I eventually decided I didn’t want to remarry. I moved back in with my parents, but they made it clear they believed I needed to be married. My mom took me to the courthouse, and I cried tears of sadness and uncertainty as I repeated vows I didn’t want to say.

I fought through the years the best I could. I always felt turmoil over how far away this new marriage moved us. I drove over a hundred miles in that old 1980 Chevy G20 to be with you every time I could—and I bawled my eyes out every time I had to say “see you later.”

In 2011, I didn’t yet know who this man really was. I never imagined he’d force me to move even farther from you.

I understand you feel hurt by me. I understand why you needed to walk away.

Just know this: I support your decision to heal, even if it means you never speak to me again. I love you. I value you. And I’ve always wanted the best for you.

Because I love you and value you, I want healing for you, and in my waiting, I will continue sending reminders that I love you.

Pages: 1 2